Hungary for Stew - Goulash

The following is my entry for Newbie Iron Chef Something Awful 14 of the Goons With Spoons forum of Something Awful.

I actually won!

I was chatting with my best (read: only) friend last week.

Chatlog with Contrapants

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Aren't you doing another cooking contest?

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Yeah. I really should get on that.

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Dude, you put it off to the last minute every time. Just fucking do it already

Avatar 1 Contrapants: But putting things off is my "thing."

Avatar 2 Contrapants: No it's not. Shut the fuck up

Avatar 2 Contrapants: I'm going to spam dilz pics at you until you log out

Avatar 1 Contrapants: That won't work.

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Dill 1

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Seriously!?

Avatar 1 Contrapants: You're trying to run me off the web through a pun?

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Go ahead. Send me your pickle pics.

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Dill 2

Contrapants has logged out.

I thought about what to make, but I couldn't come up with anything. I asked my friend for inspiration.

Chatlog with Contrapants

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Hey

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Dill 3

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Stop!

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Geez

Avatar 1 Contrapants: I'm working on it

Avatar 1 Contrapants: I can't think of what to make

Avatar 2 Contrapants: You mentioned trying stew in your dutch oven a while ago. Do that.

Avatar 1 Contrapants: That takes a long time, and I'm kind of hungary

Avatar 1 Contrapants: !!!

Avatar 2 Contrapants: hungry*

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Not this time...

Avatar 2 Contrapants: I already know what you're thinking

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Get back to work

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Pickles

Hungarian Goulash

Of all the stews there are to stew, goulash is probably my favorite. I get it at the diner all the time. It's about time I tried to make it myself.

There's one thing I require of good goulash: good egg noodles.

Contrapants's Brain at the Grocery Store

Brain Brain: $6 for noodles! Fuck that. You're making them.

Body Contrapants: We've made pasta from scratch before. Don't you remember the ravioli incident?

Brain Brain: I don't remember that, but we can just buy plain noodles and egg wash them ourselves.

Body Contrapants: I'm pretty sure there's more to it than that.

Brain Brain: No there isn't.

Body Contrapants: Wait!

Body Contrapants: How can I remember something you don't? That's impossible!

Brain Brain: Oh yeah! I'm your mind.

Brain Brain: Egg noodles are just noodles with egg wash.

Body Contrapants: Really!? No way!

Body Contrapants: $6! Fuck that. I'm making them.

At home, I realized there's no way I can get an even egg wash over an entire pound of noodles. I went online and searched how to do it.

Contrapants's Brain

Body Contrapants: Bad news. I was right about the egg noodles.

Brain Brain: Whiskey!

Body Contrapants: Finally a good idea.

Hungarian Goulash: Part 1: Egg Noodles: Part 1: Too Many Heading Colons

Egg noodles are essentially pasta noodles, using eggs instead of water.

First, we need all-purpose flour, 4 eggs, and salt.

Goulash 01

Combine 2.5 cups of flour and a little less than a tablespoon of salt. Mix your eggs together in a separate bowl.

Goulash 02

Make a well, pour in the eggs, and mash together with your hands until thoroughly combined.

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Wrap in plastic wrap. Let sit for three hours.

Goulash 04

Conversation with Contrawife

Hand Contrawife: I invited Friend 1 and Friend 2 over for dinner tonight for the True Detective finale.

Avatar 1 Contrapants: ...

Avatar 1 Contrapants: OK. I think I can extend dinner to be for four people.

Hand Contrawife: We can just order pizza if you want.

Avatar 1 Contrapants: *icy glare*

Avatar 1 Contrapants: *Points to kitchen* There will be goulash.

Hand Contrawife: Alright.

Hand Contrawife: What are you typing?

Avatar 1 Contrapants: This conversationNothing

Hungarian Goulash: Part 2: Bread Bowls: Part 1: Seriously Wearing Out My Colon Key

To make white bread bowls, gather the usual suspects: bread flour, sugar, olive oil, salt, and yeast.

Goulash 05

My usual recipe is:

This usually gets me two small boules. I doubled the recipe for four boules.

First, add the yeast to warm water.

Goulash 06

Let it revitalize and get foamy. Repress the urge to yell, "It's alive!" at the top of your lungs again. The neighbors no longer find it funny.

Goulash 07

Add the other ingredients and mix until thoroughly combined.

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Knead on a floured counter top. Don't touch your camera during the step.

Oil the bowl. Return the dough to the bowl as a smooth, sexy ball. Roll around to coat in oil.

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Cover loosely in plastic wrap and set aside.

Hungarian Goulash: Part 3: Hungarian Goulash: Part 1: Actually Starting to Make Dinner

Finally, we're at the meat and potatoes of the dish.

When researching how to make goulash, I learned that it's very much like chili: no one agrees what's in it, but their way is the right way. The beans in chili argument is analogous to tomatoes in goulash. I combined what I liked into my Hungarian gumbo.

The software:

Goulash 10

Side note: The cookie tin is full of the same all-purpose flour pictured before. It just didn't fit in the tin until I took some out to make the noodles. In my house, "bread flour" is in the "flour" tin and "cookie flour" is in the "cookies" tin.

Rinse and dry the meat. Dust with salt and flour.

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Chop up your onion and "mince" your garlic. Feel free to actually mince the garlic if you actually have any knife skills.

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Sweat your onion and garlic with a little salt and olive oil in a dutch oven. Allow a tiny bit to burn because you were too busy fucking around with your camera.

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Once the onion is floppy, realize that nothing actually burned; you just can't interpret your pictures correctly.

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Add your meat.

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Time to add the swoonpaprikaswoon You will only need a pinch.

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To add a pinch, get your thumbnail under the lid and pinch the top.

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There we go.

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A suitable amount of paprika.

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Add caraway seed.

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Start browning the meat.

Oops! You almost forgot the paprika!

Goulash 21

Problem resolved. colbert

Goulash 22

The first container was sweet paprika. The second was smoked paprika.

Brown deliciousness.

Goulash 23

Chop and add the mushrooms.

Goulash 24

Contain your arousal.

Goulash 25

Peel and chop the red potatoes. Add to the pot.

Goulash 26

Add the beef broth. Feel your pants strain.

Goulash 27

Lid the dutch oven. Run into another room for some alone time.

Goulash 28

Hungarian Goulash: Part 4: Egg Noodles: Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Flour the counter.

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Put your dough into the center of the frame. Realize that, due to the lack of light bulbs in your kitchen, it looks like you are interrogating the dough.

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The dough didn't talk.

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Roll your dough into the approximate shape of New York.

Goulash 33

I could only get the dough down to about 1/8 of an inch thick. It kept springing back into place. I like my noodles a little thick, so I was OK with this.

Goulash 34

Cut the dough into ribbons. Let sit until you're ready to boil.

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Hungarian Goulash: Part 5: Bread Bowls: Part 2: I Have No Light, So The Electric Boogaloo Joke Made No Sense

Like a newlywed, the bread dough has ballooned to twice its original size.

Goulash 36

Tare your scale.

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Remove the dough to learn how much your dough weighs.

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1128g / 4bowls = 282g/bowl

Goulash 40

Shape into balls.

Goulash 41

Argue with Friend 1 about the bra cup size of your dinner. Don't try to use the women in the room as a reference. You will get caught staring again.

Goulash 42

Turn on your oven to 450F.

Once heated, slash a cross in the top of the boules and toss on the pizza stone, dusting with corn meal. Pour water into a pan you had preheating in the oven to humidify it. Realize that you neglected to mention the pan before, but refuse to edit your post.

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Let them bake for 25 minutes. You don't want them to be raw in the center again, and you want to the crust to be crisp so broth won't leak everywhere.

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At the halfway point, pour more water into the pan. Once you see that it doesn't instantly steam, pour more water directly on the floor of the oven. Learn that the stone really is shatter resistant when you fuck up and pour the water directly on it.

Take out your bowls-to-be and let sit on a cooling rack.

Goulash 45

Chatlog with Contrapants

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Prepare for incoming dildo pic

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Relax. I'm cooking.

Avatar 1 Contrapants: I spent entirely too much time making the noodles.

Avatar 1 Contrapants: I really don't want to have them stick together. Think I need a lot of water?

Avatar 2 Contrapants: Just use the biggest pot you have

Avatar 2 Contrapants: If everyone is hungry, ignore them

Avatar 2 Contrapants: You still there?

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Sorry. I was looking in the kitchen for a big pot.

Avatar 1 Contrapants: You won't believe this. It has a built in colander!

Hungarian Goulash: Part 6: Egg Noodles: Part 3: Learning What a Lobster Pot is

Find out your magical colander pot takes an ungodly long time to come to a boil. Learn that the colander doesn't go all the way to the bottom, so you can't use it anyway.

Goulash 46

I'm going to assume GWS knows how to boil noodles.

Goulash 47

Chatlog with Contrapants

Avatar 2 Contrapants: How is it?

Avatar 1 Contrapants: I'm about to plate it now.

Avatar 1 Contrapants: Wait...

Avatar 1 Contrapants: I'm not on the WiFi. How are you talking to me?

Avatar 1 Contrapants: This isn't IRC. How am I in notepad?


Chatlog with Contrapants

Durden Contrapants: Don't worry about it

Durden Contrapants: Go eat

Durden Contrapants: We can talk about your issues later

Hungarian Goulash_ Part 7_ Hungarian Goulash_ Part 2_ My Colon Key Fled My Keyboard While My Back Was Turned

Cut out the top of the bowl with a sharp bread knife. Fill with ejaculate-inducing tastiness. Top with a dollop of sour cream (not ejaculate).

Goulash 48

So how was it?


The smoked paprika added something I never had in a stew before. We all loved it! Coupled with the sour cream, this really was the perfect comfort food. I love stew and paprika; my wife practically drinks sour cream. Combining them all was delicious.

I've read that homemade noodles only take 2-4 minutes. Mine still took 10-14 minutes, probably due to their thickness. If you like a thinner noodle, either divide the dough into two halves before letting it rest, or wait for it to rest after rolling and roll it again. Before it comes up, I will never let myself buy a pasta roller when I have a rolling pin. I don't make homemade pasta enough to warrant it.

I'm sorry for the "dramatic" lighting. When I started, the sun was still up, so taking pictures was simple. Later, due to owning no light bulbs, I set up a tripod for multi-second exposures. I think the pictures came out well, though.

I make fun of my friends for being hipsters, and then they walked in on me setting up an SLR to take pictures of my food for the Internet. On the plus side, they finally got to use the word irony correctly against me for the first time.