Why a War on Pants

We are at war, and the enemy is literally all around us. It is wrapped around sub-torsos everywhere. This article is about the scourge of my life: pants.

The Internet is a place where an introvert can be expressive without the burden of being around people. I set up my little corner of the Web in 2009. Although I've had domains before, this one stuck. But if there's one thing I'm asked the most, it's "where did you get the name?"

I actually touched on this a little bit two years ago in my 100th post. I had a more concise explanation in the site's "About" page, but I've yet to recreate that since the platform and design change.

One snippet from the linked article summarizes my dislike of pants pretty well:

Few things that I like it are done while I wear pants. Everything I don't like in life requires pants.

Reading a Book
Reading a Book
Pictured: the proper way to relax and enjoy a book

Pants Themselves

Pants hold in heat. To some people, this might be considered a good thing. I'm a fat, human-shaped radiator. Pants have a different effect on me.

Scrotum Humidity
Scrotum Humidity

I know what you're thinking... "But, Contrapants, what about the winter!? Surely you need pants to survive the snow."

You are wrong, person who I just made up.

Naked Darts in Snow
Naked Darts in Snow
Note that there isn't nearly enough body hair for this to actually be me.
(Image Source)

You see, if a pair of pants was left outside in the cold, they would constantly freeze and thaw. Then, just like roads, they would start to crack and deteriorate. Pants need our body heat to stay intact. When we wear them, they are attached to us, siphoning our heat to survive.

Does that sound like anything else to you? Pants are parasites.

Pants at Work

My other problem with pants is that they are forced on me in the office.

I'm a firmware engineer. I sit in a cubicle. I carry equipment up and down stairs. I'm in a lab. I build prototypes in the warehouse. Last summer, the warehouse was almost 100°F all day while I worked. All the other employees walked around in T-shirts and shorts, but engineers must wear pants.

Every job I've had is like that. Engineers are kept out of sight of customers and clients. There is always one person who is cold, so the office is always kept sweltering, even in the winter. Yet, we all have to wear pants while we see heat waves in our cubicles. The water cooler should have a palm tree next to it to complete its appearance as an oasis.

We see mirages in the secure areas that only five other people have access even though there are sub-zero temperatures outside.

Can we throw on shorts so we can help alleviate this chronic swamp ass? No. Why? "Because you can't," is always the answer. "No other company does that."

So what!? There are people in the company that work from home. They don't need clothing at all! I just want to take my pants off.

Working on a Computer
Working on a Computer
It's possible to do computer work without pants.

Domain Name

When I created my site, I didn't want to pigeonhole myself. If I made the domain name specific, then I could never branch out. By the keeping the domain name vague while still personal, it let me write about of a variety of topics without creating that "out of place" feeling.

The site has definitely changed over time. It started as an anger and stress outlet about work as well as a place to write about my home electronics projects. Now, I write about those topics as well as religion and philosophy, woodworking, and personal opinions. I'm very glad I made the name more generic. Hellenismos articles would not work very well on "angryelectronicsguy.com" or something similar. At least now I have the tangential Ares/War connection that I can pretend I planned.

Strike Witches

I like anime. I used to watch a lot more than I do now. I was surprised at how many people came to this site because of an anime I hadn't heard of.

Strike Witches
Strike Witches

I still haven't seen it. It's on my to-do list. I've only ever seen the commercial to "join the war on pants!" Honestly, it doesn't seem like something I'd like, but I suppose I should give it a shot.

.net instead of .com

I registered waronpants.NET because I do not run a commercial site. For those who don't know, ".com" was originally for "COMmercial" ventures. ".net" was for NETwork nodes, i.e. Internet infrastructure. Because I work on the Internet (meaning I do work on Internet devices, not that I make a living through a website), I thought it was fitting.

Also, .com and .net are both officially generic now. Other top level domains like .edu and .gov require proof that the site will be used for educational or government purposes, respectively. The original "official" personal TLD was .name.

The War

As my fiancée will attest, in extreme cases I've taken my pants off between getting out of the car and coming in the apartment. At my old job, I used to walk between work and home. I would change in my cubicle before I left (the legs of my pants unzipped off to become shorts).

I've never liked wearing pants. They're uncomfortable, hot, pull the hair out of my legs, and remind me of work. Sorry, pizza delivery guy, but a fat guy in boxers always answers my door. If you come by on New Year's, you might not even get that. ;-)

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