37th People's Choice Awards (2011) - Live Blogging

Introduction

The following is what I thought of the 37th People's Choice Awards show on January 05, 2011. I didn't edit anything other than an occasional spelling fix, such as people's names, and the addition of pictures. The pictures are why this wasn't posted immediately after the show.

There's one thing I should note before starting this. I don't mind Queen Latifah. I've seen Taxi and thought it was mediocre, but it's not as terrible as everyone seems to say it is. I laughed at Bringing Down the House. After seeing this 150 minute advertisement for CVS and cell phones, I think my mind forced itself to retroactively like Queen Latifah's movies less.

Taxi (2004 Movie) — Seriously, this was the bar that was set. How could you fail so miserably?

The Event

Queen Latifah is the host. She opens with a speech ending with terrible fan pandering. She said how this is all for you, the fans!

Queen Latifah - You — The Ringmaster in Action: It's all downhill from here, folks.

The weird color thing they're doing to all the clips is going to bug me all night.

Idiotic Color Scheme — Someone just learned about Adobe After Effects.

Jennifer Aniston sounds drunk when announcing the comedian winner. Adam Sandler looks like a zombie. I guess he has a black eye.

Adam Sandler - Zombie

They announced that the Grown Ups won an award mid-way through Sandler's acceptance speech.

Aniston - Sandler - Interruption — Was this coordinated at all?

Speeches are forcibly rushed. So far, this event seems totally uncoordinated. David Spade clearly didn't care.

David Spade - Bored — "I hope we do another one or something." - David Spade

The product placement is so forced that it's not even funny. Rather than opening an envelope, the winner is text messaged to a cell phone. The product placement ruins this so much that I refuse to type the model here.

Latifah - Fleshlight — No phone would make you this happy.

Queen Latifah's jokes are bombing. At one point she even said, "You're supposed to clap there."

I don't like Selena Gomez's music, but her set was a lot better than Queen Latifah's rendition of Dynamite that opened the award show.

Neil Patrick Harris made a joke with Queen Latifah about her hosting, grading her at a B. She made it awkward. He eventually just said "A+" to be able to sit down. His face said that he really didn't want to be involved.

Harris - Latifah - Too Good — Neil Patrick Harris is too awesome for this show.

Tay Digs had to ask "Get it?" after his joke. That's not a good sign.

Neil Patrick Harris's acceptance speech was the first entertaining thing during this entire show.

When Jane Lynch won her award, they narrator said that Glee won favorite comedy. So, they just handed both to her. I don't like how they keep merging awards like this. The worst part is that it's blatantly to shove in more in-show advertising. Right now, they just cut to the CVS Pharmacy blahblahblah.

Naturally, they cut to someone holding up the Cell Phone That Ruins Award Shows right before going to a commercial. What do you know? There's a commercial for the C.P.T.R.A.S.

They're giving an award to a viral video. They went to the person's house. I've never heard "Wheat Thins!" uttered so often and so fast in my life. Wow. Just... wow.

Lisa Edelstein won best drama actress. They merged the win with House like before. It's almost like they're picking people on purpose in such a way as to be able to merge awards. Also, she had to take a cell phone picture of the audience when she went on stage. That has nothing to do with anything; it just irked me.

Edelstein - Phone — I take it back! Please don't murder me.

Queen Latifah ""interviewed" the Kardashians. Every time she asked a question, she immediately pulled the mic back to keep talking before giving enough time for a response. She's becoming painful to watch. It's actually causing me physical harm. How is this possible!? WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!?

Latifah - Kardashian — Don't expand this picture. When witnessing it full-size, your mind may try to set itself on fire.

Zac Efron won an award, brought to you by MovieFone!

Efron - Moviefone — Seriously, I didn't add that logo.

Naturally, there's another plug for CVS before going to a commercial.

The Kardashians won an award. I feel like I just lost a couple IQ points by learning that.

The Favorite "New" TV Drama is Hawaii 5-0. Irony.

It's weird how they keep rushing through the show just so Queen Latifah can hog up more time annoying me. She keeps pointing out that the things she is saying aren't on the teleprompter.

Latifah - All Me — "It's all me." I know. Trust me. I know.

I just learned that every woman is a Cover Girl before the commercials started. Oh, look. A commercial for Cover Girl. Seriously, the product placement is so horribly shoehorned in this show that I, Robot is starting to look like a legitimate movie.

Queen Latifah is making the cast of Twilight feel awkward. I never thought I would pity them. She just won't shut up. It's horrible. I can't describe this.

Michael Chiklis and Julie Bowen were legitimately pretty good. Thank you for trying to clean up after the train wreck that is Queen Latifah's "comedy."

Chiklis - Bowen — Does this fun segment mean the show is about to get better? Sadly, no. It's the calm before the storm.

It seems that every award is sponsored by a different brand. It's irritating.

Katy Perry - Wonderwall — I feel like I just ordered "Converse shoes, Vintage 2004."

Apparently Katy Perry fans are called "Katy Cats." I already knew that Lady Gaga fans are called "Little Monsters." Does calling yourself something other than " fan" make you feel better about yourself? I guess I'd rather be called a "Katy Cat" than a Katy Perry fan if I were a fan. The latter would remind me that I like Katy Perry, and I would promptly have to kill myself.

Given the types of categories in this show, it came as no surprise to me that Twilight 3: Eclipse won Favorite Movie of the Year.

Twilight Award — Too much apathy set in before this moment. I don't care enough to try to be witty.

Conclusion

This was painful. It wasn't quite as bad as last year's 2nd Annual Streamy Awards, but it comes in at an extremely close runner-up. It was kind of like last year's Streamys if you replaced technical failures with product placement.

I've never really disliked Queen Latifah or award shows. I never cared very much about either one, really. Now, I just the thought of Queen Latifah blue-screens my brain. My girlfriend loves award shows. This was the first show that I decided I would actually watch rather than doing something else and letting the show become background noise. My timing couldn't be more unfortunate. It's difficult to put into words the extent of how badly and how many levels in which this show failed.

Except for one or two award winners, all of the winners seemed to not care that they won. Johnny Depp stands out in my mind. Although he gave a gracious speech, he came across as if saying, "Gee. Another one of these. Thanks, I guess." The speech seemed like it was from a document template he had. I'm guessing that the People's Choice Awards doesn't matter very much in the media. After watching the award show, I'd come to that conclusion, too. The Streamys had an excuse; they're new and still getting their shit together. The People's Choice Awards doesn't have that option. After 37 years, you're expected to know what the fuck you're doing. They didn't. They really, really didn't.

Final Verdict - 1/5

If a friend was watching this on his/her DVR when I went to his/her house, I would immediately turn around and go back home. I'd pour myself a stiff drink and start trying to forget that it ever existed all over again.