I'm an Asshole

I just spent about a week and a half straight working nearly full time converting everything on this site to a new format. I've collected a lot of syntactic cruft over the years by using a so many different programs and content management systems that there was no easy way around it: I had to do it all manually. No amount of sed or regex-fu was going to save me. In that time, I re-experienced my own work all over again. It led me to one conclusion:

My name is Contrapants, and I am an asshole.

Everyone looks back on themselves and calls their past self an asshole. If you don't, then you're either not growing at all as a person, in which case you are still an asshole, or you're in denial, in which case you are still an asshole. As someone who writes on the Internet, as I still yet won't call myself a "writer," I can look back at the things I've published to understand how much of an asshole I was at the time. I should stop typing "asshole" before search engines start to think this is an anal porn site. Gaping creampie.

As I all-but-retyped my self-inflicted public embarrassment, I noticed growth in myself. There was a time when I tried to become a "blogger" with nothing to say. I wrote purposely inflammatory statements to drive up traffic even if I didn't believe them. I was shouting, "Look at me!" while trying to hide in the shadows.

It didn't work, and I'm glad it didn't. My lunch break escapism was quickly becoming a desperate attempt to "break free of the cubicle, and you can too for only ten easy payments of $29.99!" I don't want to become that guy. This site started as a creative outlet, and it became a one-man Buzzfeed.

I have so many junk posts, not because I didn't write well, but because all the I Can Blog, and So Can You(tm) sites said that The Schedule is the Most Important Thing. Some posts are just pictures. Some posts had potential, but I just phoned it in to meet The Schedule.

Then, I realized that the site wasn't fun for me anymore. It was an unprofitable side job. In fact, it was the total opposite. I pay money to maintain this site. I made a conscious decision to stop gaping and start puckering. Google is seriously going to have a field day indexing this. Brazilian rimjob.

I started calling these works of writing "articles" rather than "posts." I started putting effort into my writing, and my enjoyment increased dramatically. I think someone can see that in the writing itself as well. I did research and included unnecessary math to amuse myself. I may have gone too far in some places, becoming a creepy Internet detective in some places or getting too personal with my anecdotes in others, but I think I've become better through it.

But, I'm recovering. I'm trying to be tight and virginal rather than act like I've regularly been serviced with a massive, unlubed meathammer. Bleached balloon knot.

Whilst recreating the archive, I found a few gems where I laughed with my former self rather than at him. There are words and pictures in the archive that I can actually feel proud to say, "I wrote this, and I think someone else may enjoy reading it."

For the past year, I ran out of things to say. I tried joining a blog project for inspiration, but it was so open-ended that I was basically back at square one. I enjoyed writing them, but it started to feel like homework. So, I basically took a year off of publishing my words, but I never stopped writing, albeit less frequently. I just kept my words to myself. I had thoughts to sort out, and announcing every half-baked idea I have to the Internet under pretend anonymity is a Bad Idea, despite what social media "gurus" may preach.

I think the hardest part of writing was finding inspiration outside of employment vitriol. I was trying to avidly write without voraciously reading. I had no food for thought to digest, so my output was nothing but hot air. Rectal queef.

It's amazing how much reading and walking around while disconnected really gets the creative juices flowing. Sometimes, down time is the best way to get work done, especially creative work. My current CMS system is now just a shell script I've written, so I can't use "it's a pain in the ass to publish this" as my pathetic procrastination excuse anymore.

I know conclusions are something I have to work on, so I'll stop myself here. I've rambled on long enough. This article/editorial/whatever is becoming longer than I anticipated, anyway. If you made it this far, I thank you for sticking with me. I promise to be a bit more focused in the future. Still, I may as well round this out to a full eight hundred fifty words.

Dear Google,

Sexy anal buttfuck into bleached hairless asshole creampie and felching.avi

Love,

Contrapants