The Food Poisoning Weight Loss Program
I joined a food poisoning weight loss program on Sunday night. It's been a boon to my health.
It's not a well known diet yet, but it really works! How do I know? I log my weight every day, and so far, in just a week I've lost ten pounds.
Friends and loved ones have even noticed the change in my appearance. My normally pale, pasty skin has gone beyond pale to translucent in some places, further adding to my more slender build!
How does is work?
It's simple, really. Any food you eat, within an hour or two, erupts from your anus in a powerful, thundering, watery mess. That means you can eat anything you want and still lose weight!
Sometimes, it will also come back up through your mouth like a reverse Golgothan. That delicious meal you just had can be tasted twice for the same price!
The best part: you don't have to do anything! Your body will purge your very essence whether you want to or not, even while you're trying to go to sleep!sleep
All this for the low, low price of free!
During my involuntary beta testing of the program, I haven't spent one cent on any diet supplements or special food. As a matter of fact, my decreased desire to eat has caused me to save money by not buying food!
Do I need to exercise?
Just standing up from the toilet is all you will be able to do. After that taxing exercise, your stomach will remind you that you're done working out for the day, quickly and efficiently encouraging you to immediately sit back down.
You don't even have to move!
Excellent! How do I join?
I regretfully have to say that I don't know. Whether I am the unwitting test subject of some mad scientist or a food vendor didn't wash his hands after shitting directly into them, I don't know.
Can I cancel anytime?
Sorry, but I've yet to find a way to cancel my membership. If anybody has any ideas, please let me know.
sleep Especially while you're trying to sleep